What I Think of Blurryface

So I’ve been asked by a surprising amount of people what I think of the new music from my favorite band, twenty one pilots.

Unlike some fans, I wasnt worried. Only merely curious. When Fairly Local was released, I was not disappointed. Tyler Joseph seems to know me better than anyone else I know. I have been trying to explain that it sometimes feel like I’m not in control for ages. It feels like I’m not the one who does some of the things that I do, like there’s another person who shuts the real me away and takes over for a while. In my opinion, that’s part of what the boys are portraying with Blurryface. The way they make his eyes red, the way they blame him for being evil… It brought me to tears when I first heard it. They just understand. They get it. They get how hard it can be just to wake up even when there’s not something life-threatening facing you. And it’s very relieving to have that in my life, where many things are not understood. I usually get pointed at or laughed at or teased or even yelled at for the way I am. Tyler doesn’t do that, because he knows what it’s like. They’re quite the duo, actually. Tyler tells me it’ll be okay and shows me he knows what I’m going through, and then there’s Josh to make me smile. They’re like the best medicine I could ask for. I look up to them infinitely.

If you haven’t heard the new music, I recommend doing so. The songs are called Fairly Local, Tear in My Heart, and Stressed Out. Hopefully there will be another release soon! The album releases on 15 May and tickets for the Blurryface tour are on sale now.


Out of Mind

I used to think that authors were exaggerating when they would reply, “You’ll have to ask the characters themselves” when a reader would ask them a question about why whoever in the book did such and such a thing.

That was before I started writing a book of my own.

Now, I understand, because whether the writing is actually good or not, I have found that this book takes up most of my thinking space. I’m basically obsessed with my own story, as self-involved as that sounds. Whenever I am writing, I picture my main character sitting next to me on the floor, cross-legged and pleading, “Lena! Please write my story! I want the world to know.” And while at some points I feel like my character is my own person that I created, he’s actually more of a best friend of sorts that I met a month ago telling me his life story, because in a lot of ways he’s his own person. While I like putting bits of my thoughts or emotions or memories into a character’s story, he does things that I would never do. We are separate, and maybe that’s why he is such a vivid figment of my imagination.

So, to those authors that replied with, “You’ll have to ask them yourself” whom I rolled my eyes at, I understand now. Because if I was asked why my main character did such and such a thing or felt such and such a way, the truth is that the answer would occasionally be that he told me that was how things went down or that’s how he felt in his story as he took another sip of coffee on my bedroom floor, and that’s just all there is to it.

What’s the August Rush?

Whoa. How the frex is it already almost the end of June? That’s insanity. You know what’s even crazier? My mind, because I already can’t stop thinking about going back to school. To be honest, I was thinking about it on the last day of my sophomore year. Despite all the happiness and slight freedom I felt as I left the geometry classroom and ran out the school doors, I couldn’t help but feel dread because I knew that all too soon I would have to come back.

This summer is making things even harder. I’m having such a great time! I’m staying in my room, getting up when I please, watching films and drinking tea or coffee or Diet Coke, and I’m writing and reading. If I’m not doing those things, I’m getting up early, but for a good reason. Like, for instance, I got up on Thursday morning because I went to Summerfest. Good thing we did get there early, too, because I saw Pentatonix and MET AND TALKED TO MITCH GRASSI AND IT WAS ONE OF MY FAVORITE MOMENTS OF ALL TIME (picture below). I also later on got to go see THE LADY GAGA and she was so amazing (despite the long and torturous wait we had beforehand). It was SUCH a fun day. My aunt and I had a blast. I’m also going to more concerts soon, so there’s that. And there are days when my mother will wake me up to go driving, and we’ll just drive around the city playing Fall Out Boy and talking and sipping coffee. I love these days. Sure, I still struggle with some of the same things that I do while in school. It’s not like because school stopped I was suddenly problem free and always happy everyday. There are some days where I get to sleep until I please and that will be around 1 in the afternoon because I can’t bear the thought of getting out of bed and facing reality. Which is kind of pathetic, I know, but still. I am not welcoming August. Let’s hope that this summer drags out!

Enough about me. How is the summer break going for everyone else? What are some of your plans?

Oh, and like I mentioned, here is the picture of me with Mitch (he was so nice too oh my goodness; I would go into details but don’t want to bore you all):


My friend sent me this and said I could post it if I rewrote it

I saw you at a concert the other night for the first time

I was surprised by what I saw

I wasn’t sure what to expect,
Maybe a really excited you or a crazy you,
But in reality you weren’t either of those things.

At first, while we were waiting for the show to start, you looked so uncomfortable, so panicked.
all of those people were choking you, and you couldn’t breathe, and there was no music to distract you except for the instrumental the venue was playing
You had your eyes shut tight and you were struggling not to cry,
But then the lights dimmed and they walked out.
You opened your eyes,
And you laughed
A laugh of relief,
A laugh of love and happiness

You were looking at this band with such admiration,
That it was almost more enjoyable to watch you watching them than watch them myself.

You’d seen them before, I know
But you’d think this had been the first,
What with the way you would look so surprised every time they played a song

Towards the end, I got kind of worried

You started to cry at the second to last song
And I wanted to know what was wrong

But then I noticed
You still had that admiration in your eyes,
And every once in a while your smile would flicker back
I realised you were just remembering the times you had heard this song
And remembering how it had helped you,
Like you told me it did before

During the finale, your hand went in the air, reaching toward the band members
And you looked so heartbreakingly happy
And the lights from the stage reflected your tears
But you didn’t care for once that anyone could see them

At the end of the show, you screamed thank you over and over and held up a sign that said the words themselves on it
And I thanked them too
Because anyone who helps someone like they seemed to have helped you
Deserves to be thanked

Dear friend,

Dear friend
First off I’d just like to say
there hasn’t been a day
when I wished you would change
I’ve been having some struggles in my life
I’ve been trying trying to work out on my own
Well dear friend
I’m not always going to make sense but
I try my best for you
If there comes a day
when you need to walk away
I’ll understand
I’ll understand

Maybe I shouldn’t have talked
when you walked by
but now that it’s too late
I might as well give it a try
but things often go awry
so dear friend
in advance
and for all the things that’ve happened in the past
I’m sorry

There might be a day
when I cause you to lose your smile
I can say stupid things
I get it if you need to be alone for a while
and if we never speak again
I just want you to know
that at least for a while
you gave me hope

Maybe I shouldn’t have talked
when you walked by
but now that it’s too late
I might as well give it a try
but things often go awry
so dear friend
in advance
and for all the things that’ve happened in the past
I’m sorry

Car Radio by twenty one pilots

A/N: So here’s another songfic! It’s for the song Car Radio by Twenty One Pilots. I’m not too incredibly proud of it, because I had planned on it going different/better, but I decided to post it anyway. Why not, right?

I can’t take it I can’t take it I can’t take it I can’t take it
I gritted my teeth as I glanced to my right, staring down the space where my stereo used to be. Out of habit, I had almost reached my arm out to turn on the music.
I would have, if it was still there.
It would still be there, if somebody hadn’t stolen it.
The fact that it was gone wasn’t helping my mood, but I couldn’t help but think about it. It was times like this when I needed the radio. Not necessarily the radio itself, but the distraction its sound gave me.
In the silence, my mind wouldn’t shut up.
Failure you’re such a failure why can’t you realize you don’t deserve to be here—
The light turned green, and I pushed the gas pedal. A little too hard—my back slammed into the seat behind me.
Get a grip, Tyler. I slowed down my speed, easing up. It’s okay. Just breathe.
But I couldn’t.
The air.
The driveway of my destination came none too soon. I pulled in behind my visitor’s car, putting my crappy vehicle in park and turning off the ignition. Even though the house was right in front of me, though, it seemed so far. Much too far to walk. I couldn’t move. My hands still rested on the steering wheel, because I didn’t have the energy to lift them. I was leaned forward, too tired to push myself back so I could slouch against the seat. I was so exhausted, but my mind was in full motion. With the silence, there was nothing to distract it. Every mistake I had ever made, every humiliation I had ever experienced, all of the regrets I had. I thought about every one of them, the past being played like a movie behind my eyes. I wished I could escape myself.
I sighed heavily and closed my eyes, leaning my forehead against the wheel, between my hands. My migraine was growing due to all of the screaming my conscious was doing. It was ironic, because all I wanted was for everything to be quiet, when really not a sound was being made.
I don’t know how long I stayed there, feeling my heart beat pounding against my chest and focusing on breathing in, and out. It might’ve been minutes. It might’ve been hours. It had long ago grown cold due to heat being off, and I started to shiver under my grey hoodie.
Suddenly, there was a rapping against the glass. I jumped and turned to see Nick with his fist raised against my window.
“Tyler?” he asked. “Hey, man, come on inside. It’s cold.”
Somehow, this brought me out of my reverie, and I unbuckled my seatbelt with shaky, numb hands and climbed out of the car.
“Still haven’t replaced that radio, huh?” he asked me as we started to walk up the path.
I just shook my head.
“Well, silence can be golden.”
“Bullshit.” I opened the front door for him and walked inside after him. “I liked it better when my car had sound.”

When the Day Met the Night (by Panic! At the Disco)

A/N: I was listening to the song When the Day Met the Night, one of my absolute favorites, and decided that I was going to try and write a songfic, because what better do I have to do? It didn’t turn out as well as I had hoped, but here it is, a story I wrote off of Panic! At the Disco’s briliant song. I would recommend listening to the song as well, if you haven’t already.

Part One

The Sun was walking down the road, kicking up rocks as he passed them. His job was nearly over with for the day, thank the Lord. All he wanted to do was rest. Luckily, the clouds had come out and helped him again today, so he hadn’t had to do much work, but it was still necessary for him to be present, and he hadn’t been in the mood. He had been looking forward to finally being able to lay down in bed all day.

He came across the local garden, and didn’t really give it a second glance. It was a location he passed nearly every day on his walks. The flowers, as always, were in bloom, looking radiant in the light and full of colour. He didn’t think it would ever be an important place, just one that was there. It didn’t really serve a purpose except giving the sky another pretty feature. With all of the storms that had been going on lately, though, maybe it was useful, something beautiful to admire in the mess.

It was pretty sad that a local garden was better kept and probably more expensive than his apartment.

He would’ve kept on walking, would’ve stayed in a bad mood, but he happened to turn his head. To this day, he still does not know why he did it, but something made him want to look to the left and peer over the fence.

There, in the corner of the garden sitting on a large stone bench underneath a weeping willow tree, he saw her. She was wearing a silver dress and black hat, drinking out of a china cup.

Without really knowing what he was doing, The Sun started to walk forward, turning at the corner to the entrance. Absentmindedly, he unlatched the lock to the fence and swung the door open. He couldn’t take his eyes off of her. Her hair, that was such a dark shade of brown it was nearly black, blew along in the wind with the branches above her. Who was she? Why had he never seen her before?

She didn’t look up from her book as he approached her, not realizing his presence. She took another sip of her beverage– tea, by the looks of it.

“Hello,” he finally said, hoping he didn’t startle her. He didn’t, at least it didn’t look that way. Her eyes flicked calmly up to him, revealing a brilliant grey colour.

“Hi,” she replied, breaking out into a smile. “Do I know you?”

“I don’t think so,” he replied, taking one step closer. “My name is The Sun.”

“I’m The Moon. It’s nice to meet you.” She closed her book and carefully set it to the side. “Would you like to sit down?”

“Sure.” He was instantly covered in shade from the overhanging tree as he took a seat next to her, careful not to touch.

“What brings you to the garden?” The Moon asked. “I’ve never seen anyone else here before.”

He couldn’t exactly tell her the truth. That would be sure to send her off running. He didn’t need yet another person doing that right now, so he shrugged. “Just wanted a bit of fresh air after work, is all.”

The Moon examined him, this blonde guy who looked so sad, despite his pleasant demeanor. There was something in his eyes that made him seem as if he was barely hanging on. She wondered what was happening in his life. He must be in a bad place. Or maybe she was just over reacting and over evaluating, as always.

He was gorgeous, despite the storm cloud that seemed to be hanging over him. His blonde hair hung nearly down to his light blue eyes. The Sun. The name fit him. He was so opposite her, with her dark outfits and makeup. He was light, she was night.

“What do you do?” she asked curiously. “For a living, I mean.”

He lifted his arms, gesturing to the space around them. “I provide the sunshine. I didn’t do a very good job today, though, did I?” He frowned up at the clouds.

The Moon’s eyes got big. “You’re the person I take over for!”

He scrunched his eyebrows in confusion at the excited girl. “What?”

“I go to work when you go home. I’m The Moon, the one you see in the sky while it’s dark out.”

His face lit with understanding. “Oh. That’s why we’ve never seen each other!”

“Speaking of which, I need to go.” The Moon stood up, grabbing her book. “Almost time for me to clock in. It was so nice to meet you, though.”

The Sun looked up into her eyes again, those eyes that were clearer than water, the dark grey that took his breath away. “Maybe we could see each other again sometime?”

The Moon hesitated. She was still on guard from her last break up, and her walls had only just been rebuilt. “I don’t know…” she muttered uncertainly.

“Just to chat,” he assured her. “Just to sit and talk for a little while.”

“And what would I get in return?”

He thought about this. “How about… a smile.” It was probably the best he could offer.

“I would like that. Tomorrow? Same time?”

“I’ll be here.” Maybe even a little bit earlier.

The Sun watched her stride away, her sparkling shoes catching the light as she walked down the sidewalk until he was left alone in the garden during the hot summer day. The bitter feelings returned, but that’s when he realized something: when The Moon had been around, he hadn’t thought about them at all. He actually felt… happy.

The Moon made her way down the street, not able to quit smiling like an idiot. She knew that she shouldn’t do this, shouldn’t get caught up with someone else. Had she not just made a vow to forget about boys for a while? You would think she had learned her lesson from the last Star that had broken her heart. This guy would not be any different, no doubt. It was inevitable! At least she and the Star had some things in common. She was completely the opposite of The Sun. There was no way a relationship of any kind would work out with him.

Then again… maybe it would work out because of their differences.

Plus, there was one similarity.

She looked up, at the fading light. So that was him, the mystery person she had never met but was pretty much the only other one like her. Sure, the Stars provided light as well, but she was the main factor of the sky, as self-centered as that may seem. She felt bad for The Sun. At least she had Stars to help her on the job, and some nights she got time off, during the new moon. The Sun was always the same. Always there.

The Moon pulled her hair back and tied it in a knot before continuing on, trying to make the heat of summer a little more comfortable to walk in.

“Tomorrow,” she muttered to herself. “I’ll tell him to leave me alone tomorrow.”

Part Two

Days passed, and The Moon and The Sun got to know each other better. With their work schedules, it was hard to meet up, but somehow they always managed to get a little time to talk wedged in. The Sun still had his insecurities, and The Moon still had her worries, but they could tell by the way they procrastinated leaving until the absolute last second and how they craved more conversation and never failed to come up with topics to discuss that something about the two of them was right.

Whenever The Sun would look into The Moon’s eyes, his cares slipped away, and all that mattered was the conversation going on between the two of them. He hadn’t wanted this to happen. He had finally starting to learn to be an independent guy. He had just been hanging around, not looking for anyone, and here he had come across The Moon. He hadn’t decided if it was for the better or the worse yet.

The Moon wished she could say she grew more and more cautious with every coming night, but it would be the very opposite of the truth. Every time she saw The Sun again, her heart skipped a beat, and any idea of rejecting him seemed silly. If he were to kiss her, she wouldn’t know if she would pull away or not. She knew that she wouldn’t want to, but she knew that she should.

It seemed like they both had issues they still wanted to figure out, but one afternoon all of it was pushed to the side. They were sitting on their bench, nearly touching but not, leaned up against the back of the stone seat, craning their necks up, looking at the large willow.

“Is it just me,” The Sun said, “or does it seem to be cooling down a little these days?”

“It’s you,” The Moon replied with a laugh. “It’s still only the middle of summer. It won’t start to get cold again for a while yet.”

“Yeah, you’re right.”He glanced sideways at her. “Are you okay?”

“Yes. Are you?”

He gave a short laugh. “I’m never okay. But you seem a little off tonight. You sure nothing is bothering you?”

She gave a long, slow sigh. “I don’t think we should see each other anymore.”

At this, The Sun sat up straight. Now he was the one with a worried look on his face. “What? Why?”

The Moon avoided his eyes, fidgeting with the hem of her dress. She wore the same thing every day, but never failed to look stunning. “I don’t…” She trailed off.

“You don’t what?”

“It sounds so stupid.” She shook her head. “Don’t take this the wrong way, but I don’t want to fall for you, and I feel like I’m headed down that road soon.”

“We don’t have to completely break off communication, though,” he replied, trying to reason with her. “We can still talk, and stay friends.”

“But I don’t want to be just friends.”

“Then we can be more.”

She looked over at him in surprise, seeing the lazy smile sketched across his face. She did love it when he smiled. It made the whole place brighter—literally.

Finally, after much silent consideration, she took another deep breath. “Okay. As long as you can promise not to break my little heart or leave me all alone.”

“How could someone bear to do such a thing to a girl like you?”

“It’s happened before.”

The Sun paused, then decided to take a risky move and reached out for her hand, grabbing it gently with his own. When they intertwined their fingers, a strange thing happened: the sky turned into a golden pink colour, the in-between of light and dark. The two looked around in amazement and broke out into laughter.

“I suppose you have to get going, then,” The Sun said sadly.

“Actually, I’m free tonight.” The Moon grinned. “It’s a new moon.”

Part Three

He had only fallen in love one other time, but he knew what it felt like, and it was pretty much exactly what he felt when he thought about The Moon, only now it was stronger. He also knew that there wasn’t even the hope of a possibility of getting out of it. What was worse, he didn’t think he wanted to.

Despite her better judgment, The Moon decided to free her heart of any doubts and be carefree for once, because whenever she saw his bright face, or was held in his arms, she felt safer and happier than she ever had before, and there couldn’t really be anything wrong with that, even if in the end they didn’t work out. She trusted The Sun, trusted him not go behind her back about anything, which wasn’t exactly an easy task, what with them being away from each other for so long. It was, however, easier than missing him was.

He had finally told her what was bugging him, venting all of his emotions out on a breezy night after enough coaxing from The Moon. Apparently, anybody he had ever cared for had left him in one way or the other. One of his best friends, a Star, burned out a couple years ago, and since then everything seemed to have gone downhill. He was lonely. That was enough to depress anyone. He discovered, though, that the depression could be lifted. All he had to do was look into her eyes, and he felt whole again, like he served a purpose. Simply the thought of her helped him pull through.

His favorite part of the day was when he finally got to see her after the long, hard day of work, for that bit of precious time before it was time for the sky to turn dark, and she had to go (unless, of course, it was a good night, one with a new moon). Her favorite part of the day was finally getting to kiss him before leaving to go to a long, hard day of work.

When they did, the sky turned a brilliant shade of gold, and it made the waiting worth it.