The Big Moment– Going to See the Divergent Premiere

So I went to see Divergent last night.

For me, this was a huge deal. I’ve been waiting to see this film since the bloody book came out, when nobody even knew there was going to be a movie. I just wanted to see a film adaptation that badly. I’m sure there were a lot of other fans out there that wanted to see it as badly as I did. I’m not trying to say that I love this series more than anyone.

I just wanted to say why.

I love to read, of course. Granted I haven’t had much time to in the past few weeks due to school, but I do love it with a passion. I usually read novels from the YA genre, which included stories like The Hunger Games and The Mortal Instruments and whatnot. These books provided me with a sense of escapism, which I very much craved. When I would put the book down and snap back to reality, however, I would feel somewhat upset. As much as I love the girl heroines (as main characters, especially, so I can get the perspective from their point of view), I couldn’t relate to any of them, and it made me sad. All of these girls were fearless and tough and selfless and brave. They always knew the right thing to do. And I couldn’t relate to that. I’m not any of those things, no matter how much I would like to be.

In 2011, my teacher called me over and told me she had a new book that I might enjoy. She handed me a copy, and I looked doubtfully at the cover. It wasn’t something I would’ve picked up on my own. “I think you’ll love it,” she said, though, so I opened up the pages that night.

I did love it. I was freaking obsessed with it. I finished it that night and went to school the next day on no sleep. I didn’t tell my teacher I had finished it, though, because I wanted to keep it for a while longer and savor the story, go back and reread some of my favorite parts before returning it to her. One of the things I Ioved the most was the main character, Tris. Tris (originally Beatrice) was nothing special. She was scrawny and weak. She wasn’t selfless, and she didn’t immediately meet up to her desires. But it was okay, because eventually, she worked to become most of those things.

Call me stupid, but I found that I could relate to Tris. Like, a lot. I change my name to a shortened version, and I’m not completely selfless, as much as I would love to say that I am. In fact, I’m almost a very selfish person. I don’t meet up to my own desires, because there are things I want so desperately to do but don’t seem to have the talent for. I’m a weak person, not strong like I wish, both emotionally and physically. And, like Tris, I am uncomfortable with my body, though it’s definitely not because I’m too skinny.

Tris brought me hope and ambition back in 2011 and she still continues to today. Tris gave me the desire to be brave, something I really needed. She made me feel that, even if I’m nothing spectacular at the moment, I could work toward something better, become the vision of me I would rather be, with a little sweat and blood. Seeing a real Tris up on the screen in front of my eyes smacked those things in my face all over again. Shailene gave me my worries, but she really did a fantastic job playing the part of one of my role models. For that matter, the whole movie did a fantastic job. At some parts I wondered if somehow the makers had seen into my mind and how I pictured the settings because they were so exact to how I imagined them. At other parts I was pleasantly surprised. They really did a great job delivering the perfect film adaptation of the book I so love, and I’m so grateful for that.

Now, when can I go see it again?

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To feel the wind against my closed eyes
to feel eyelashes flutter against my cheeks
To be surrounded by this dark
To fall into this dream
To try and find another way
to understand with no doubt
To not fear another day
to not wish to be out
To find out how the wind does scream
To see and not be sad
As depressing as the reflection seems
It wouldn’t be so bad
To feel the wind beneath my feet
To feel or feel no more
To be surrounded by peaceful silence
is what I’m wishing for.

Dear friend,

Dear friend
First off I’d just like to say
there hasn’t been a day
when I wished you would change
I’ve been having some struggles in my life
I’ve been trying trying to work out on my own
Well dear friend
I’m not always going to make sense but
I try my best for you
If there comes a day
when you need to walk away
I’ll understand
I’ll understand

Maybe I shouldn’t have talked
when you walked by
but now that it’s too late
I might as well give it a try
but things often go awry
so dear friend
in advance
and for all the things that’ve happened in the past
I’m sorry

There might be a day
when I cause you to lose your smile
I can say stupid things
I get it if you need to be alone for a while
and if we never speak again
I just want you to know
that at least for a while
you gave me hope

Maybe I shouldn’t have talked
when you walked by
but now that it’s too late
I might as well give it a try
but things often go awry
so dear friend
in advance
and for all the things that’ve happened in the past
I’m sorry

Oh Hey I Got Frustrated and Wrote This

This isn’t even jealousy

This is just anger

You know you’re not as clever as you think

Everybody knows you weren’t the one who wanted him first

I don’t understand how you can still call yourself my friend

I could be happy during the day but you ruin it all by the end

You know, it almost makes me want to laugh

You’ll pretend to understand, no doubt you’ll laugh back

To try and take the one you know I’ve wanted to call mine for years

He’s told me he wouldn’t take you anyway, so I don’t know what’s with all of these tears

I wouldn’t be able to blame you, if I knew your feelings were real

But I know you just want him because of me, and it wasn’t until me that you found appeal

I’ll pretend I don’t notice, that’s the kind of person I am

I think overall it’s the fact that I can’t have him either that really makes me sad

Just Once

Just once

Just once could mean seconds, minutes, days, weeks, months, years

Just once could mean a person, a place, an event

Just once could mean heartache or love

Just once could be the way their eyes crinkle when they laugh

Just once could be somewhat shaggy hair and lashes that flutter against cheeks

Just once could be eyes cast downwards in embarrassment

It could be cheeks flamed red when flattered

Just once could be snow-covered shoes lined up near the doorway

Just once could be hands bundled together, nose pressed against nose, trying to keep warm

Just once could be shaking crying or angry screaming or awkward silence or ringing laughter

Just once could be the sound of footsteps, pacing back and forth as you dance around the floor

Just once could be button-down shirts and sweaters in the rain

Just once could be the sound of your voice as you beg them to stay

Just once could be the sight of taillights as their car pulls away

Just once could be a crash in the dead of night

Just once could be a tightening in your chest or your hands shaking with fright

Just once could be the beeping of a hospital machine

Just once could be the panic when they no longer breathe

Just once could be seconds, minutes, days, weeks, months, years

Just once could mean heartache or love

Just once could be the memory that they left behind

But just once will never be the wishes that they were still here upon stars in the sky

Bus Rides and Four Walls

So. I’ve been thinking again.

This whole I-have-four-walls thing. That a lot of people have, not just me. I think that maybe protecting yourself may not be so bad, but you need to let those walls down at least once in your life. You need to fall completely in love, at least once. You need to hurt badly, at least once. Maybe not in the same time and not in that order, but, because you’re human, you need to stop hiding, be fearless, and get in touch with your emotions.

Let me put this in story term. When you’re on the bus, you learn to sit down at any seat possible. Sometimes you’ll be the first one in that seat, and everyone else that comes on after you will look for another place, any other person but you to sit next to. This isn’t necessarily a bad thing, though. I mean, you get the seat all to yourself. Don’t have to smoosh your backpack against your chest anymore, instead you can seat it next to you and have loads of leg room. And it’s nice, you tell yourself; no one to worry about. Deep down, though, it doesn’t feel good at all. It feels… lonely.

Then there’s those days when someone does sit next to you, and there’s nothing you can do to make them move– free country and all. You can get a variety of people, and you have no pick in which variety they’ll be, because life throws one at you, and that’s who you get for the ride.

You can get people like Elisa, who will simply sit next to you for the sake of not standing, who talks to the people across the rows. These are the people who try their best to pretend you don’t exist.

You could also get people like David, who will pretend you don’t exist unless one day he wants something from you (such as a phone number), and you don’t even know the guy’s name yet.

Then there’s people like Laura. Laura is someone you can’t help but let in, because you’re human and deep down you want a friend, despite all you say. She accepts you, too, but only off and on. When she’s with her friends, she doesn’t know you. You are the one who has to start the conversation over and over again, until eventually you just give up and decide that if she wants to talk to you, she will.

Then, sometimes, you just might get an Oliver. You see Oliver every day, because he lives only a few houses down from you, and you always mean to say “hi”, but you can never find the guts to, until one day, you think of something not so corny, such as, “So what did you think of testing yesterday?”. And then he’ll reply with an, “Oh, it was boring. But easy.” Then a funny thing will happen: he’ll keep talking to you, for the whole ride to school, and for once, you won’t be the only one trying to think of something to say. He’ll be a funny guy, and talk about the most random things, and ask you questions back. Then, an even funnier thing will occur: he’ll ask you your name.

When you let down your walls and let people in, putting yourself out in the open to your emotions, you can have any of these people sit by you. Sometimes, you may have an Elisa, or a David, or a Laura, who maybe you wish had just left you alone, and you regret opening up to in the first place. However, you may just get an Oliver. In the end, it won’t really matter, because in reality, you know that no matter who sits by you, it would be better than sitting alone.

Once Upon a Time

Once upon a time…

There’s so much hope in such a sentence.

It was a dark and stormy night…

The start of a new story. Anything could happen. You might be beginning a sad, depressing story, or a fun, exciting, good-outcome story. It might be one with an important theme about the meaning of life or a completely useless one that you end up wishing you hadn’t wasted your time on.

Once upon a time…

Some day, someone is going to say that about you.

Once upon a time, there was a person born into the world who…

What do you want to be said after that? Only you can be the one to decide whether it will be negative or positive. So while you’re here, make sure your Once upon a time is great, and just have you want it to be.

Lost

I’m lost
And I’m scared
And cold.

I think that I should stay in one place,
Until someone finds me,
Like I learned I should do when I was little
If I was to ever get lost

Problem is
I’ve been doing that for a while now
And it’s not working

I realize now that
If I’m ever to find my way again
I need to do it myself
And stop waiting for someone else to help me

Trouble with that is
I think by doing that
I’ll only get lost more

It looks like I might be wandering around in the dark
For a while

Car Radio by twenty one pilots

A/N: So here’s another songfic! It’s for the song Car Radio by Twenty One Pilots. I’m not too incredibly proud of it, because I had planned on it going different/better, but I decided to post it anyway. Why not, right?

I can’t take it I can’t take it I can’t take it I can’t take it
I gritted my teeth as I glanced to my right, staring down the space where my stereo used to be. Out of habit, I had almost reached my arm out to turn on the music.
I would have, if it was still there.
It would still be there, if somebody hadn’t stolen it.
The fact that it was gone wasn’t helping my mood, but I couldn’t help but think about it. It was times like this when I needed the radio. Not necessarily the radio itself, but the distraction its sound gave me.
In the silence, my mind wouldn’t shut up.
Failure you’re such a failure why can’t you realize you don’t deserve to be here—
The light turned green, and I pushed the gas pedal. A little too hard—my back slammed into the seat behind me.
Get a grip, Tyler. I slowed down my speed, easing up. It’s okay. Just breathe.
But I couldn’t.
Worthless.
The air.
Failure.
Wasn’t.
Useless.
Breathable.
The driveway of my destination came none too soon. I pulled in behind my visitor’s car, putting my crappy vehicle in park and turning off the ignition. Even though the house was right in front of me, though, it seemed so far. Much too far to walk. I couldn’t move. My hands still rested on the steering wheel, because I didn’t have the energy to lift them. I was leaned forward, too tired to push myself back so I could slouch against the seat. I was so exhausted, but my mind was in full motion. With the silence, there was nothing to distract it. Every mistake I had ever made, every humiliation I had ever experienced, all of the regrets I had. I thought about every one of them, the past being played like a movie behind my eyes. I wished I could escape myself.
I sighed heavily and closed my eyes, leaning my forehead against the wheel, between my hands. My migraine was growing due to all of the screaming my conscious was doing. It was ironic, because all I wanted was for everything to be quiet, when really not a sound was being made.
I don’t know how long I stayed there, feeling my heart beat pounding against my chest and focusing on breathing in, and out. It might’ve been minutes. It might’ve been hours. It had long ago grown cold due to heat being off, and I started to shiver under my grey hoodie.
Suddenly, there was a rapping against the glass. I jumped and turned to see Nick with his fist raised against my window.
“Tyler?” he asked. “Hey, man, come on inside. It’s cold.”
Somehow, this brought me out of my reverie, and I unbuckled my seatbelt with shaky, numb hands and climbed out of the car.
“Still haven’t replaced that radio, huh?” he asked me as we started to walk up the path.
I just shook my head.
“Well, silence can be golden.”
“Bullshit.” I opened the front door for him and walked inside after him. “I liked it better when my car had sound.”